THE YOUNG LORDS

Written by Donald Bellisario and Frank Lupo and Paul Playdon

Transcribed by Clay Arden for ByYourCommand.net

 

 

(Starbuck and Boomer patrol in their Vipers.)

 

STARBUCK

Boomer, I just reached a big decision, and I feel you should be the first to know. 

 

BOOMER
Well, there’s only the two of us out here.

 

STARBUCK

See that red star forty degrees to port?

 

BOOMER

(laughs)

I got you.  What’s the big decision?

 

STARBUCK

I was just staring at it, and from out of the blue the words of my old flight instructor came back to me.  “Starbuck, a Viper pilot only flies three Vipers:  the one he trains in, the one he escapes from,” (sighs) “and the one he dies in.”

 

BOOMER

Starbuck, the scanner.

(Cylon Raiders attack)

They’re on our tail.

 

STARBUCK

Then let’s show ’em our nose.

 

(The Vipers turn and start destroying the Raiders.)

 

BOOMER

They’re runnin’.

 

STARBUCK

Yeah, not for long. 

 

BOOMER

One in your blind spot! 

(Starbuck is hit)

Starbuck, you okay?

 

STARBUCK

(sighs)

I’ll answer after you tell me how bad it is.  And, uh, Boomer, give it to me straight.  No lies.

 

BOOMER

(flies under and inspects Starbuck’s Viper)

It’s all hangin’ out to dry.  I don’t know how you can still transmit.  Everything back of your anti-burn baffles is gone. 

 

STARBUCK

According to my panel, everything forward isn’t exactly tip-top. 

 

BOOMER

(switches on scanner)

Tryin’ to find you a place to land.

 

STARBUCK

Boomer, about all I can do is fly straight ahead.  And I’m, uh, not too sure about that.  Afraid my old flight instructor was right.  You better get going, buddy, before you run out of fuel.  Sticking with me is a bad bet.

 

BOOMER

I’ve got it.  It’s a Delta-class planet.  It’s dead ahead.

 

STARBUCK

You better get going, buddy. 

 

BOOMER

Not until I know you’re down.

 

STARBUCK

Yeah, if I don’t make it, uh, you’ll be the first to know, I promise.

 

BOOMER

I’ll be back with a clean uniform before you know it.

 

STARBUCK

I’ll be seein’ you, Boomer.

(Boomer waves)

I hope.

 

BOOMER

(shakes head)

 

(On the planet, a castle is occupied by Specter’s Cylon garrison.)

 

SPECTER

And when you’re finished here, move the petro dump inside the moat under the protection of our outer walls. 

 

CENTURION 1

By your command.

 

CENTURION 2

Canis patrol has intercepted two Colonial Viper craft.

 

SPECTER

Colonial Vipers.

(with a laugh)

Well, well. 

 

(Specter goes inside the castle, where the Cylon command center has been established in the main hall.)

 

COMMAND CENTURION

One Viper running.  The second is crippled and has penetrated the atmosphere.  We are tracking him. 

 

SPECTER

Order our patrol to return.

 

(Patrol Raider in space receives the message.)

 

COMMAND CENTURION (over communicator)

Canis Flight Leader, return to base.

 

FLIGHT LEADER

Returning.

 

(Specter’s command center)

 

COMMAND CENTURION

What if the Colonial warrior evades our patrol?

 

SPECTER

Impossible.

(laughs)

 

(Nearby, Starbuck’s Viper has crashed in a swamp.  Starbuck climbs out, bloodied and bruised, grunting with pain.  Seeing a foot patrol of six Centurions approaching, he attempts to hide in the water, grunting, yelling, and panting with the effort.  The Cylons pursue him through the water.  He emerges, fights through some trees, and collapses on the bank, where the Centurions relentlessly follow until he is trapped.)

 

(Baltar enters the command chamber aboard his base star.)

 

LUCIFER

Attila garrison commander reporting.

 

BALTAR

Attila?

 

LUCIFER

An obscure outpost in the Omega sector.  The commander’s name is Specter, I believe.  One of the earlier IL series, before my time.  Rather limited in ability.

 

(Specter appears on the screen.)

 

BALTAR

Report, Specter.

 

SPECTER

We have apprehended a Colonial warrior.

 

BALTAR

Excellent.  Have you interrogated the pilot?

 

SPECTER

The scouting party that captured him has not yet returned to our garrison.

 

BALTAR

I think you know what I desire.

 

SPECTER

The exact position of the Galactica.

 

BALTAR

I shall await your next communication.  You have a wonderful opportunity here, Specter.  Use it well.

 

SPECTER

By your command.

(ends transmission)

 

BALTAR

This Specter seems to have done rather well, for an early model.

 

LUCIFER

Hmmmmm.

 

BALTAR

(chuckles)

 

(On Attila, the Cylons carry the injured Starbuck through the forest.  He is still panting and crying out in pain.  Kyle appears on a nearby hillside, riding a unicorn, and reins the animal around.)

 

STARBUCK

Ahh!  Hey, ahh, take it easy, would ya?

 

CENTURION

These humanoids are not well constructed.  They damage easily.

 

STARBUCK

Ah, at least we don’t rust.

 

CENTURION

Silence.

 

(As Starbuck continues to grunt in pain, a horn is heard and the Cylons are picked off by laser fire.  Starbuck cries out in greater pain from where a Centurion has thrown him on the ground.  Meanwhile, Miri and Ariadne approach him with five unicorns, followed by their brothers Nilz, Robus, and Kyle.)

 

KYLE

Welcome to Attila, Lieutenant.

 

(Starbuck passes out.)

 

(In Adama’s bedroom, Cassiopeia sits by the door, standing up as Tigh, Apollo, and Boomer enter.)

 

CASSIOPEIA

You can’t come in here!

 

TIGH

I wouldn’t if it weren’t important. 

 

ADAMA

(sick in bed)

Stop whispering.  I’m not asleep.

 

CASSIOPEIA

Now you’ve done it.

 

(Adama switches on the lights.)

 

TIGH

Good to see you looking better, sir.

 

ADAMA

I don’t look better; I look awful.  But I feel better.

 

CASSIOPEIA

But you won’t for long, if you don’t get some sleep.

 

ADAMA

(sighs)

With that doorway guarded like the gateway to Kobol, I presume something important has happened.  The recon patrol?

 

TIGH

It’s what you felt all along, sir.  The Cylons have penetrated more deeply than we expected.  Our patrol was ambushed.

 

ADAMA

And?

 

BOOMER

Starbuck had to crash-land.

 

CASSIOPEIA

But he did land?

 

BOOMER

Yes.

 

ADAMA

Where?

 

BOOMER

Attila.  It’s a planet on the far edge of Omega sector.

 

ADAMA

(sighs)

Bad news all around. 

(Tigh nods)

Recommendation?

 

APOLLO

(clicks tongue)

Sending in a squadron would draw too much attention.

 

ADAMA

Well, what, then?  Shuttle?

 

APOLLO

(nods)

In and out fast. 

 

ADAMA

It better be fast.  If it’s not back within twenty-four centars, it’ll never catch up with us. 

(Apollo and Boomer look at each other)

You, and Boomer?

 

APOLLO

Yes, sir.

 

(On Attila, Miri helps Starbuck into a cave, where he cries out in pain as he drops to the ground.  Miri gets some water and begins to clean his wounds.  He continues to cry out with every movement.)

 

MIRI

Please, please try – try not to move!  You have been hurt. 

 

STARBUCK

There were others.

 

MIRI

My brothers and sister.

 

STARBUCK

Yeah.  And Cylons.

 

MIRI

Don’t worry.  We can handle them.  Kyle is very, very smart.

 

STARBUCK

Kyle?

 

MIRI

My brother.  He’s our leader.

 

STARBUCK

Leader?  Oh, he’s only a boy, and the others are just children.

 

KYLE

(entering the cave)

We are not children!  We are warriors.  Miri, prepare some food.  The others will soon return from patrol.

 

STARBUCK

Patrol?  Those boys and that little girl, out there with Cylons crawling around?  Do you realize what can happen?

 

KYLE

What can happen?  They saw their mother killed, watched the tin cans pillage and invade our castle, slaughter our people. 

(sighs)

Tell me, what can happen to them?

 

STARBUCK

(sighs)

They could be killed, or captured.

 

KYLE

We are too swift, our attacks too precise, too well timed, too well planned. 

 

STARBUCK

Uh – eh—  You attack them?

 

KYLE

They are the enemy.  They took all we ever had.  So now we hurt them.  We attack their ammunition depots, fuel dumps, and patrols.

 

STARBUCK

Yeah.  Ha.  Thanks for that.

 

KYLE

We fight a common foe.  You’re from the Galactica, correct?

 

STARBUCK

You know of the Galactica?

 

KYLE

We learned of the Galactica from the Cylons.  How far away is she?

 

STARBUCK

(sighs)

Too far.  It’ll be a while before a rescue party can get here for me.  I’m, uh, I’m afraid you’re stuck with me for a bit.

 

NILZ

(running in with Ariadne and Robus)

A bunch of tin cans are following the tracks I laid down!

 

KYLE

Corporal!  Is this the way you report?

 

NILZ

(standing at attention)

A bunch of tin cans, sir, following the tracks, um, that you ordered me to make.  In the Naga forest.

 

KYLE

Very good.  At ease.  Now, get some nourishment. 

(to Starbuck)

We’re a little short on discipline at times, but you won’t find better warriors in the galaxy.

 

STARBUCK

Who taught you?  Your father?

 

MIRI

(sighs)

Father was our leader until—

 

KYLE

Until the Cylons killed him!  Miri, feed the Lieutenant.  And – and be quick.  We have a mission!

 

MIRI

Robus, Nilz, Ariadne, go get your tablets. 

 

ROBUS

Oh, Miri.  We wanna talk to the warrior!

 

MIRI

After you eat and study.

(brings Starbuck some food)

 

STARBUCK

Ohh, smells good.  I didn’t realize I was so hungry.  You’re their – also their teacher?

 

MIRI

(nods)

It’s very important to keep their education going.

 

STARBUCK

(eating)

Mm.  Mm.  I always wanted to meet a woman as long on brains as she was on beauty.

 

MIRI

(sighs in embarrassment)

You think I’m pretty?

 

ARIADNE

Oh, Miri!

 

MIRI

Eat! 

 

STARBUCK

Miri, when you get back to the Galactica, you’ll have every Viper pilot in the place battling it out over you.  You’ll drive ’em crazy.

 

MIRI

Back to the Galactica?

 

STARBUCK

Yes.  You can’t stay here.  When the rescue team from the fleet comes to pick me up, you’ll come with us.

 

ARIADNE

All of us?

 

STARBUCK

(laughs)

Of course, all of you.

 

KYLE

We have a mission!

(gives threatening look)

 

(In Adama’s quarters, Cassiopeia is awakened by Boxey and Muffit walking by.  She smiles as they walk into Adama’s bedroom.  Boxey climbs onto the bed and shakes Adama’s arm.)

 

ADAMA

Boxey!  Oh, it’s good to see you.  Uh, how did you get past the guard?

 

BOXEY

I snuck right by her.

 

ADAMA

You snuck right by her?  You’re the first.  You better get under the blankets with me, just in case she decides to sneak in too. 

(kisses his head)

Now I’ve got somebody to talk to. 

 

BOXEY

Would you like me to tell you a story, like you do when I’m in sickbed?

 

ADAMA

Ohh, that’d be nice.

 

BOXEY

There once was a shiny planet.

 

ADAMA

Called Earth.

 

BOXEY

No.  Called Mushieland. 

 

ADAMA

Mushieland?

 

BOXEY

(nods)

It was full of daggits.  Orange daggits, blue daggits, daggits with horns, daggits with curly tails – but the best daggit of them all was Sire Muffey.

 

ADAMA

Sire Muffey.

(laughs)

 

(Cassiopeia, watching from outside, lets the door close and sighs in relief.)

 

(in the Cylon command center)

 

CENTURION

By your command.  The first patrol was eradicated.

 

SPECTER

Nooo.  And the Colonial warrior?

 

CENTURION

Gone.  We found signs of humanoid renegades.  Our patrol is tracking them.  My commander sent me to report.

 

SPECTER

Let us hope that your commander is more efficient than his predecessor.  

(an explosion is heard in the distance)

Oh, no.

 

(Outside, Kyle and Miri ride away from the castle.)

 

KYLE

(laughs)

They will never learn.  Did you drop my message where the tin cans can find it?

 

MIRI

(nods but looks sad)

 

KYLE

What’s wrong?

 

MIRI

Kyle, we can’t do this! 

 

KYLE

It’s the only way to get father back alive.

 

MIRI

But, Kyle—

 

KYLE

You want father back, don’t you?

 

MIRI

Of course I do. 

 

KYLE

Then there’s nothing to discuss.  We trade Starbuck to the tin cans for father, tonight.

 

(At the castle, Specter ascends an exterior stairway to a tower room where Megan is imprisoned.)

 

MEGAN

(sighs)

Why do you bother, Specter?  I’ll die long before you’ll get anything out of me.

 

SPECTER

I’ve come to tell you that you will be freed, tonight.

 

MEGAN

Freed?

(Specter hands him Kyle’s message)

Oh, Lord, no.  What does he think he’s doing?

 

SPECTER

The only intelligent thing he can do. 

 

MEGAN

Do you think me a fool, Specter?  Don’t you think I know that you’ll never go through with this unholy trade? 

 

SPECTER

What you believe is irrelevant.  However, I will go through with it – provided you cooperate.

 

MEGAN

And if I don’t?

 

SPECTER

Then I vow to slaughter your entire family at the exchange site.

 

MEGAN

(laughs weakly)

Kyle is much too clever for that.

 

SPECTER

Is he?  He’s the one who proposed the trade.  Your son is getting desperate.

 

MEGAN

Then why do you tell me all this?  If you’re gonna do it, just do it!

 

SPECTER

I want your word that once reunited with your family you will stop these senseless, harassing attacks.

 

MEGAN

You’d take my word?

 

SPECTER

I have come to learn that the word of some humanoids can be more binding than Cylon chain.  You are such a man.

 

MEGAN

And the Colonial warrior—

 

SPECTER

He is not your concern.  Do I have your word?

 

MEGAN

(nods)

 

SPECTER

Excellent. 

(to a Centurion)

Make the signal.

 

CENTURION

By your command.

 

SPECTER

I will see to it that you have clean garments.  I would not wish your children distressed by your appearance. 

 

(Kyle joins Miri and Starbuck outside.)

 

KYLE

Well, you’re looking fit, Lieutenant.

 

STARBUCK

Yeah.  Well, uh, whatever Miri put on my leg, it’s working.  Thanks, Miri.

 

(Miri turns away.)

 

KYLE

Feel up to riding?

 

STARBUCK

Uh, yeah, if, uh, needed.  I heard the explosions.  Are they tracking you?

 

KYLE

Not quite.  The Cylons only track us when we want them to.  We are moving to a new camp. 

 

(A bell sounds from the castle.)

 

STARBUCK

What was that?

 

KYLE

The worship bell, in our castle. 

(walks to a hillcrest, followed by Miri)

 

MIRI

Kyle, please!

 

(Kyle blows his horn.)

 

STARBUCK

What are you trying to do – tell ’em where we are?

 

KYLE

Just answering a challenge.  We shall be moving anyway. 

 

STARBUCK

Yeah, and, uh, what if there’re Cylon patrols nearby?

 

KYLE

Do not tell me how to command!

 

STARBUCK

Yeah?  Well, someone better!  This is no time for heroics, Kyle.

 

KYLE

You think because you wear a uniform and you fly in a fighter, you should also be in command!

 

STARBUCK

Is that it, Kyle?  Are you afraid I’m trying to take over?

 

KYLE

(huffs)

I fear no such thing. 

 

MIRI

Kyle – Kyle, is what he says true? 

 

KYLE

Ah, so!  He smiles and you choose him.  Him over father!

 

STARBUCK

Father?  Your father’s dead.  Ahhh, no.  He’s captured! 

(laughs)

Kyle, it won’t work.  The Cylons will never make a trade.

 

KYLE

You are very bright, Lieutenant. 

 

STARBUCK

Ehh—

 

KYLE

I regret doing this, but it’s the only chance our father has.

 

STARBUCK

Your father is as good as dead, and so are you if you meet with the Cylons!

 

KYLE

Bind him.

 

MIRI

Kyle, I don’t think—

 

KYLE

That’s an order!  Bind him! 

 

MIRI

Starbuck, I’m sorry.

 

(computer center aboard Baltar’s base star)

 

LUCIFER

Still no word from Attila?

 

BALTAR

I’m sure Specter will contact us if he has anything to report.

 

LUCIFER

Perhaps he feels his report will not be received satisfactorily by you, Baltar.

 

BALTAR

What are you implying, Lucifer? 

 

LUCIFER

It has come to my attention that Specter has ordered more laser pumps and petro than any garrison in the system.

 

BALTAR

So he’s stockpiling.  What garrison commander doesn’t?

 

LUCIFER

He has also ordered an extraordinary supply of laser rifles and metron bombs – certainly unnecessary requisitions for a planet whose entire population has supposedly been terminated.

 

BALTAR

Lucifer, do you wish me to believe that Specter would submit false progress reports?

LUCIFER

Speaking from past experience, I would not say it is beyond his programming.

 

BALTAR

(laughs)

Lucifer, I do believe you’re jealous!

(laughs again)

 

(They walk into the command chamber.)

 

LUCIFER

Such a reaction is not programmed into IL-series circuitry.

 

CENTURION

Commander, Specter reporting.

 

(Specter appears on the screen.)

 

BALTAR

Ah, Specter.  You have the coordinates of the Galactica?

 

SPECTER

Ahhh – no. 

 

LUCIFER

Hmmm.

 

SPECTER

The Colonial warrior was injured in the crash.  We are attempting to repair his body in order to extract the information you need.

 

BALTAR

I see.  And how long do you estimate this to take?

 

SPECTER

Oh, within five or six centares he should have sufficiently recovered to torture.

 

BALTAR

I am counting on you, Specter.

 

SPECTER

I know.  And may I say, it is a distinct honor to serve the illustrious Baltar.  You are a veritable legend to us.

 

LUCIFER

Oh, feldercarb.

 

BALTAR

(to Specter)

Well, thank you.

 

SPECTER

By your command.

(ends transmission)

 

BALTAR

You see?  A logical explanation.

 

LUCIFER
Yes.

 

BALTAR

(laughs)

 

(At the exchange site, the children build a raft.)

 

NILZ

You work on this one, we’ll move it with you, and I’ll work on this.  Is that all right? 

 

MIRI

(to Starbuck)

You need not worry about an infection.  It looks much better.

 

STARBUCK

Ehh!  Terrific.  I can walk to my execution.

 

MIRI

(almost in tears)

Oh, please don’t, Starbuck.  Perhaps they won’t—

 

STARBUCK

Kill me?  Miri, you saw what the Cylons did to the people here. 

 

MIRI

They haven’t executed father.  They—

 

STARBUCK

Because you’ve been a laser in their side.  They’re probably trying to find your location through him.  Or wait for just what happened – a trade.

 

MIRI

We will continue to attack them.  Perhaps we can get you back too.

 

STARBUCK

How?  Trade another human for me?  Huh?  No, thanks, Miri.  I couldn’t live with that.

 

KYLE

The raft is ready.  It’ll soon be time.

 

STARBUCK

Do you really expect the Cylons to go through with this trade?

 

KYLE

I certainly do.  I planned it rather well.  The tin cans will put father on a boat and launch him towards us.  We will simultaneously launch you towards them.  You see, neither side can take advantage of the other.

 

STARBUCK

Wanna bet?

 

MIRI

Kyle, perhaps we are making a mistake.

 

KYLE

It is a necessary tactical move.

 

MIRI

We are talking about a human being, of trading him.

 

KYLE

For our father!  Look, Miri, I know what I’m doing.  Have I not led well since father’s capture?

 

MIRI

Yes, but we are not an army.  We are a family.  Look at them!  Go on, look, Kyle!  They’re just children!

 

KYLE

Yes, children who need their father.

 

STARBUCK

Kyle, I agree with you, but this isn’t the way.

 

(Specter and several Centurions arrive at the opposite bank with Megan.)

 

SPECTER

Megan?  You keep your end of the bargain.

 

MEGAN

(shouts)

Kyle?  Miri? 

 

MIRI

It’s father!

 

MEGAN

Children?

 

CHILDREN

Father!

It’s father!

Father!

It’s father!

Kyle, it’s father!

Kyle, it’s father!

 

STARBUCK

Kyle, please, just – just listen to me for a centon, will ya?

 

KYLE

I’m sorry, Lieutenant, but I have no choice.

(blows horn)

 

SPECTER

That’s the signal.  Make the exchange.

 

MEGAN

(steps forward, but a Centurion grabs him and covers his mouth)

Mmm!

 

(The Cylons bring out a cloth dummy.)

 

NILZ

Miri, it’s father!

 

MIRI

Where?

 

NILZ

Maybe over there.

 

ARIADNE

I can’t see him, but he’s near.

 

MIRI

Which way is he coming from?

 

NILZ

Do you see him? 

 

ROBUS

See him?

 

NILZ

Father!

 

SPECTER

(launches the boat across the water with the dummy in it)

We’ve kept our bargain!  Where is the Colonial warrior?

 

KYLE

(blows horn)

Launch the raft.

(he and Miri do so)

 

(The boat starts to come into view.)

 

CHILDREN

Father!

It’s father!

It’s father!

Father!

Father!

 

KYLE

Father, I’m gonna s—

 

(The dummy is now plainly seen.)

 

MIRI

Oh, Kyle.

(sighs)

 

KYLE

Starbuck was right.

 

(On the opposite bank, the Cylons discover that the figure on the raft is merely the top of Starbuck’s uniform stuffed with plants.)

 

SPECTER

Those little sclime!  They deceived me!

 

MEGAN

(as the Centurion’s grip momentarily loosens)

Well done, my children!  Well done!

 

SPECTER

Annihilate them!

 

(The Cylons open fire, but the humans escape to safety.)

 

STARBUCK

Stay down!

 

ARIADNE

Father!  What will happen to father?  They’ll kill him, won’t they?

 

STARBUCK

No, no, they won’t.  They kept him alive to stop the raids.  This isn’t going to change a thing.

 

ARIADNE

Are you sure, Starbuck?

 

STARBUCK

Of course I’m sure.  Miri, take the kids.

 

MIRI

Okay.  Go!

 

KYLE

Starbuck, I almost made a grave tactical error. 

(sighs)

I’m relinquishing my command – to you.

 

STARBUCK

I accept, on one condition.

 

KYLE

(sighs)

Name it.

 

STARBUCK

That you continue as my lieutenant.

 

KYLE

With pleasure, sir!  What are your orders?

 

(Laser fire explodes just behind them.)

 

STARBUCK

Well, the first – the first thing is to get outta here! 

 

KYLE

And the second?

 

STARBUCK

To free your father. 

(Kyle nods)

Let’s go.

 

(Apollo and Boomer approach the planet in a shuttle.)

 

APOLLO

Anything?

 

BOOMER

(checks)
Scanner’s clean. 

 

APOLLO

(sighs)

We’ve been lucky so far.  How long until we orbit Attila?

 

BOOMER

Oh, two centares, give or take a centon.

 

APOLLO

We’ll make a low-level approach from the back side.  Then I’ll turn it over to you. 

(Boomer nods)

You know where Starbuck went down. 

 

BOOMER

It’s a big planet, Apollo.

 

APOLLO

Boomer.

 

BOOMER

I know where he went down.

 

(Outside the castle, Starbuck analyzes garrison security through a spyglass.)

 

STARBUCK

(sighs)

Looks impenetrable.

 

KYLE

Our fortress held out longer than any of the others when the tin cans invaded.  But there were too many. 

(sighs)

Father and I fought a rearguard action into the main hall while my brothers and sisters escaped.

 

STARBUCK

How’d you get out?

 

KYLE

Through the secret passage. 

 

STARBUCK

Uhhh, secret passage?

 

KYLE

(nods)

I know what you’re thinking, Commander, but it won’t work.  I tried sneaking in that way once, but the tin cans have turned the main hall into a command post.  There are always two or three score in there.  We wouldn’t stand a chance. 

 

STARBUCK

Ah, what’s that between the castle wall and the, uh, moat?

 

KYLE

Well, that’s – that’s the petro dump.  They moved it closer because of our raids. 

 

STARBUCK

Lieutenant, I got an idea.  Come on. 

 

(Starbuck and the children are gathered around a fire inside the cave.)

 

STARBUCK

My old flight instructor told me the easiest way to remember a sequence is to sing it, see.  So, one more time.

 

STARBUCK and MIRI

Through the tunnel, under the land,

Starbuck and Miri creep hand in hand.

 

NILZ and ROBUS

We swim the moat to the petro dump

And blow it up with a great big wump.

 

ARIADNE

At the bridge the youngest daughter

Drops tin cans into the water.

 

KYLE

And around the castle the son firstborn

Rides at a gallop and blows his horn!

(blows horn)

 

(Starbuck and Miri proceed through the secret passage while the rhyme is heard over, narrating.)

 

STARBUCK and MIRI

The first to go is Starbuck and Miri,

Carrying torches to keep things cheery.

 

(Nilz and Robus cross through the moat, carrying bombs.)

 

NILZ and ROBUS

Then the brothers swim through the water

To set their bombs for a Cylon slaughter.

 

(Ariadne loads a slingshot.)

 

ARIADNE

Ariadne is ready to throw

Captured grenades at the bridge below.

 

(Starbuck and Miri climb a staircase.)

 

STARBUCK and MIRI

We go up the steps to the castle floor

And sneak a peek through the secret door.

 

(Starbuck opens the door into the Cylon command center and shakes his head at the large number of Centurions present.)

 

(At the petro dump, Nilz and Robus evade the two patrolling Centurions and sneak inside.)

 

NILZ and ROBUS

Although the dump is double-guarded,

We’ll sneak across while the guards are parted.

(the boys set the charges)

Robus sets one bomb and then the other,

Leaving the rest to his older brother.

 

(Kyle sits astride his unicorn.)

 

KYLE

When all is ready across the moat,

Kyle will sound the signal note.

 

(In the command center, Specter addresses Baltar on the communicator.)

 

SPECTER

I apologize for the delay.  The captured warrior is still unconscious.  He may even terminate.

 

(in Baltar’s command chamber)

 

BALTAR

Die? 

 

SPECTER (on screen)

Unfortunately, we are programmed to destroy humans, not save them.  Our knowledge of their anatomy is so limited.  Still, I do not offer excuses.  Despite my securing this planet for the Empire in record time, if this warrior terminates, I can only view my mission here as a failure, for I will have failed one of the great leaders of our millennium – you, Baltar.

 

LUCIFER

Oh, feldercarb.

 

BALTAR

Now, now, now, now, don’t be too hard on yourself, Specter.  From the reports I’ve read, you’ve done a brilliant job on Attila.

 

SPECTER

Well, we have had our problems.

 

BALTAR

Problems?

 

SPECTER

This planet is so wet, half our garrison is down with rust.  However, I will spare no effort in saving the human and extracting the information you need.  By your command.

(ends transmission as Baltar chuckles silently to himself)

 

LUCIFER

You actually believe that daggit drivel?

 

BALTAR

Lucifer, this jealousy is simply not like you.  Specter is doing a wonderful job.

 

(Outside the castle, Kyle blows his horn and the petro dump begins exploding.)

 

(inside the command center)

 

SPECTER

Ah, no!  Not again!

 

COMMAND CENTURION

Petro dump is exploding.

 

SPECTER

I know the petro dump is exploding! 

(to another Centurion)

Dispatch a phalanx of Centurions.

 

CENTURION

By your command.  First phalanx, follow me.

 

(Ariadne begins launching grenades as the Cylons cross the bridge.)

 

CHILDREN (over)

At the bridge the youngest daughter

Drops tin cans into the water!

 

(inside the command center)

 

COMMAND CENTURION

The phalanx on the bridge.

 

SPECTER

I see!  I see!  Centurions, stop those – those despicable renegades!

 

(As more Centurions leave, Starbuck and Miri prepare to exit the tunnel.)

 

STARBUCK

I sure hope this works.

 

MIRI

(kisses him on the cheek)

I – I think what you’re doing is wonderful, and – and I just wanted to thank you.

 

STARBUCK

Ah, we don’t – we don’t have your father yet, but, uh— (returns the kiss) you’re welcome.

 

(They make their way into the main hall.)

 

ALL (over)

And through all the confusion, noise, and bother,

Starbuck and Miri rescue father!

 

(Starbuck finds the hall almost deserted and motions to Miri.  They make their way upstairs and go out the main doors.)

 

STARBUCK

Which tower?

 

MIRI

That one.

(indicating)

 

(They head up the stairs.  A Centurion emerges and fires on them.  Starbuck destroys the Centurion and they continue inside.  As they pass Megan’s cell, they hear him yelling out the window.)

 

MEGAN

Yes, my children!  My warriors, well done!  Well done!

 

STARBUCK

Megan!  Get down!

(shoots the lock and Miri opens the door)

 

MIRI

(hugs Megan)

Oh, father!

 

MEGAN

Miri.

 

MIRI

Oh, father!

 

STARBUCK

Hate to break up a family reunion, but, uh, let’s go!

 

(In the shuttle, Boomer observes the fires on the scanner.)

 

BOOMER
Looks like an entire sector is under attack down there.

 

APOLLO

Cylons must be taking over.  Set her down as close as you can.  Maybe we can help the survivors.

 

BOOMER

(sighs)

I just hope Starbuck’s not in the middle of that inferno.

 

(in the command center)

 

CENTURION

The renegades are within the walls.

 

SPECTER

Inside the garrison? 

 

CENTURION

Unfortunately.

 

SPECTER

What else can go wrong?

 

(Baltar appears on the screen.)

 

BALTAR

Any progress, Specter?

 

SPECTER

Uh – I regret to report the Colonial warrior has – terminated.

 

BALTAR

(hears explosions in the distance)

What was that?

 

SPECTER

Ahhh—

(clears throat) 

We are destroying the last of the humanoid habitats, in order to assure that no one will ever find refuge on this miserable planet again.

 

BALTAR

Excellent idea.  Scorched-planet policy.  You’re a wonder, Specter. 

 

SPECTER

Thank you.  I have many such ideas, and since the environment of this planet is so detrimental to our circuits, perhaps you would find use for me and my Centurions elsewhere.

 

BALTAR

Hmm.  Well, if it’s that destructive to your circuits, then naturally, abandon it.  Report with your unit when you have finished destroying the human abodes.

 

SPECTER

By your command.

(transmission ends; to Command Centurion)

Yes, I think we are through here.  Order all Centurions to the launch field.

 

(As the two of them exit the main hall, Starbuck and Miri come down the stairs with Megan.  Ariadne, Nilz, and Robus come down soon after.)

 

ROBUS

Father!

 

ARIADNE

Father!

 

NILZ

Father!

 

MEGAN

My warriors!  Nilz!

(hugs and kisses each of them)

 

KYLE

(coming downstairs)

They’re gone, running!  All of them!

(sees Starbuck and stands at attention)

Lieutenant Kyle reporting that the remaining tin cans are fleeing to their transport ship.  The area is secure, sir.

 

STARBUCK

Well done, Lieutenant.

 

KYLE

(laughs)

 

STARBUCK

Uh.

(indicates Megan)

 

KYLE

Father!

(they embrace)

 

MEGAN

(laughing)

Kyle.  You’ve done so well.  I’m very proud of you. 

 

KYLE

Thank you, sir.

 

MEGAN

(to the other children)

He’s a good leader.

 

KYLE

(laughs)

 

(Apollo and Boomer approach the castle.)

 

APOLLO

What hit this place, an army?

 

STARBUCK

(emerges from castle, startling both of them into drawing their weapons)

Apollo!  Boomer!

 

APOLLO

Starbuck!

 

BOOMER
Sssss.

 

STARBUCK

Hey, it’s, eh, ’bout time you guys showed up. 

(to Boomer)

Got the clean uniform?

 

BOOMER

Wha—uh?  Sshh.  The clean u—

 

APOLLO

Hey.  Hey, what happened here?

 

(The children come running outside.)

 

STARBUCK

Oh, eh, not much.  My warriors just wiped out a Cylon garrison.

 

APOLLO

They’re children.

 

STARBUCK

No, no.  They’re warriors.

 

(Apollo and Boomer laugh.)

 

APOLLO

Gee, I can’t…

 

(By the shuttle, Starbuck prepares to say his goodbyes.)

 

STARBUCK

Okay.

 

APOLLO

(sighs)

Just make it fast, okay?

 

STARBUCK

Yeah, okay.

(walks over to Nilz and Robus, sighs)

Well done, warriors. 

(to Ariadne)

Couple more yahren and, eh, you’ll be giving your big sister competition.

(kisses her on the cheek and laughs, then speaks to Megan)

You can still come with us.

 

MEGAN

(shakes head)

We fought long and hard for this day.  Our ancestors originally migrated here from the Colonies, but this is our home now.  If the Cylons return, we’ll be ready. 

 

STARBUCK

I don’t doubt it for a centon. 

(removes his collar insignia and hands it to Kyle)

You earned this, Lieutenant.

(pins it on him)

Congratulations.

 

KYLE

Thank you, sir.  It’s been a pleasure serving under your command.

 

STARBUCK

(walks to Miri and sighs)

Ah, yes.  Miri.  You could have broken half the hearts on the Galactica, including mine.

(they kiss)

 

BOOMER

(laughs)

I, um—

 

APOLLO

(sighs)

 

BOOMER

I don’t know how he does it.

 

APOLLO

Neither do I.  Starbuck, we have to go.

(Starbuck walks to the shuttle, then turns back toward Miri)

Starbuck!

 

 

-END TRANSCRIPT-

 

 

NOTES

 

Boxey’s fictional planet of Mushieland, though spelled like the Colonial food “mushie,” is pronounced “Mooshieland.”

 

The meaning of “sclime” is unclear, and the word could simply be the result of a bad edit attempting to change “scum” to “slime.”